My second time writing in this blog… Anyways, my mind was flashing back to Friday.. It was late a t night and suddenly I just couldn’t sleep… 2 o’clock in the morning and didn’t know what to do…so I turned on my laptop and browsing around…checking facebook, skype (hope that Ben or someone on my list still up), YM. Then suddenly, something came up on my screen … “what are you doing late at night there?”… The message was come from an old friend of mine. Hmm…actually she’s my senior in this working industry as well. Ok, lets call her miss A.
Miss A is studying in US now. She continues her study there…not really sure the major that she takes…but definitely master program J Her parents are really rich…thus she could afford going and studying in several countries in different continents.
I like miss A – a single, smart young woman (I think she’s around early 30ish). She’s very easy going – can mingle to everybody. Furthermore…, she doesn’t make respondents feel distant when she needs to conduct FGD session (usually when the group is moderated by Chinese, the local / Indo people will feel distant…thus local moderator is preferred)
We never talked a lot before…well maybe only several lines on YM – it’s me asking her about MR world and stuffs like that… But on that day, our conversation became deeper… She said that she was unhappy with her condition now…She said that her decision went abroad now was in rush, out of arrogance, stupidity and the need to please people (she was the chronic people pleaser whose mantra was "I’ll be happy when everybody's happy). At first I thought that it was about choosing not the right major. But it wasn’t. Everything was alright there…but it was just her felt “empty” inside. And I just knew that she felt this quite often even when she was in Jakarta. But when she was in Jakarta, she was trying to push it aside and distract herself with work and his boyfriend. She knew that not all things could be answered and it wasn’t fair for God to answer all the whys. “God doesn't owe us anything. Who do we think we are to expect God answering us, explaining everything to us? He doesn't owe us any explanation"
Now she’s questioning about the purpose of being in this world. What are our goals and purposes? A big question mark in my head…purpose of life? Goal of our existence? What the hell is that? I don’t know the answer as well… But deep down inside I believe that we are created for others…become useful for others…BUT…it didn’t satisfy me… I tried to googling on some philosophy websites… it was said that when you’re questioning about the purpose of your life, you’re questioning about God as well…is it right? If it is, then why miss A still question about that? She’s a quite religious person…goes to church everyday and has had several counseling session with pastor. She believes in God but doesn’t really sure about her purpose of existence…
Ahhh confusing…confusing… this thing flew my thoughts to my paper when I was in college…it’s about self forgiveness…about importance to reconcile with yourself? But then again…a corny question… how do you define self? How do you find the courage to always be true to ourselves- even if you’re not sure who you are? …well…talking about self is like never ending stories…but maybe there’s “NO” exact definition about self… it’s just reconciliation to the bundle of imperfections we call self!
Yup reconciliation…forgive yourself that you’re not perfect…love your self…accept all the imperfections of yours… On that miss A’s question, maybe love herself would be the right answer… Maybe she just needs to deal with it….learn to accept all imperfections and accept as it is… I guess…when someone loves his/her self then they starts to appreciate what they have, thank God about all they have… don’t want to waste what they have now…
Sounds simple…………..but believe me “love yourself” is not easy….
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1 comment:
quoted from you;
"she was the chronic people pleaser whose mantra was "i'll be happy when everybody is"."
Hum itu bisa jadi lirik lagu ;)
Kayaknya tulisan elo ini benar2 muntahan kata-kata. Hihihi kamu benar2 salah satu contoh sempurna dari mahluk2 galau masa kini (like your friend and me ;)). Rasanya semakin dewasa kita, semakin banyak pertanyaan yang muncul, entah itu terjawab atau tidak. Dan mungkin temenmu itu sama seperti gue, yang cukup berkeinginan untuk tahu apa jawabannya.
Menurut gue, self kita tak akan pernah bisa dijabarkan lewat teori2 filsuf, karena yang dibawa sampai mati nanti bukan teori. Mau sebanyak apapun kita tahu soal pendapat dunia soal self atau diri kita sendiri, it doesn't matter. Karena saat kita mati, opini tak terdengar, tapi perbuatan tercatat.
Pada akhirnya, diri seseorang bukanlah sebuah bundelan ketidaksempurnaan. Kesannya kok we can only make mistakes. Kita hanyalah seonggok daging yang punya akal dan hati. Dan rasanya itu sudah lebih dari cukup (seharusnya) untuk berusaha berbuat yang benar. Walau kadang tak sempurna.
Make sense gak sih? Haiyah sutralah nek, udah sore nih, pulang yug!
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